http://community.livejournal.com/flyingblind_rpg/44030.html?mode=reply

It's with mixed feelings that I post this, that we've come to the end. I've enjoyed the time and the friends I've made, the good times and the not so good times.

Truth be told I'm feeling more emotional than I thought I would so I think I'm going to see it as a new beginning, rather than an end, a stepping stone to the future.

Thank you to everyone who's friended us, followed along and cared about us.

Kev and Tro, all my love, now and forever. We're building our future, it's ours now, we make our own.

I love you.

I always have and always will be your Cat.

Happy birthday, my love. I love you. Now, forever and then some.

Want to go for 2 out of 3?

You won the first round 6-5 and I won the second with the same.

Or we could go 3 out of 4 which might be a little more apt. Up to you, love.

*grins* See what I mean about removing shirts being distracting? Not that I'd use your own stragety against you of course...

We need to talk.

I feel better this week than I did last week, but still not right as such. I'm not sure whether I'm going to totally feel right ever again. Logically I know this emptiness and pain will fade in time, but it is as though a part of me has been ripped away and there is nothing I can do about it.

I didn't want to break up with Kev. I love him. I always will. I'm torn between knowing it wasn't working - that last argument made that very clear - and hoping that this separation is only temporary.

But already the bond between us is fading. I can still feel him, but not as I could. When I take the sedatives to sleep, I can not feel him at all. I hate that. I always have. I still roll over in bed to put my arm around him only to realise with a start that he is not there. That this is something I will never be able to do again.

I want to hold him, touch him, love him. But I can't.

I'm trying to move forward. It's one of the reasons I agreed to take these bloody pills. I need to be there for Tro. He's not dealing with this any better than I am. I can feel his pain. He thinks he's failed Kev, but he hasn't. We've all made mistakes in this. The last one was mine.

I keep looking at my ring, at our ring. I won't take it off. It's still ours, not just Tro's and mine, but Kev's as well and that won't change. I won't give that up, anymore than I will change the name of this journal, or stop using this icon.

I love you, Kev. I'm so sorry this hasn't worked. I wanted a future together. I still do, I just...

*wipes at my eyes* Tro will be home soon. I'm going to hold him tight and love him, and let him love me. We've been doing a lot of that since Kev left. And talking. And crying.

I have to start to move forward, to live my life. To be there for Tro. He needs me.

This has to stop hurting soon. Doesn't it?

I'm not going to be around for a while. I'm sorry, I have a lot to work through at the moment and I am not feeling up to dealing with people.

I know I haven't exactly been around lately either, so this really is not enough and too late.

I'm sorry.

I'm at Harry's. Could you give me a lift home? I don't want to disturb Tro and Kev and I'd rather not spend the night here even though Harry's offered me the spare room.

really not up to porting.

ThanK You

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 4-7 sentences on your LJ along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest (unless it's too troublesome to reach and is really heavy. Then go back to step 1).
6. Tag five people.

Joanna's lab was deep beneath the theatre. No one else came here, not even Gregorio.

A puff of cold air burst out as she opened the door. 'Close it,' she told the Doctor as she stepped inside. "This is a C1 lab.'

'I have another lab elsewhere for the more hazardous experiements," she said. 'This is where I do the bulk of my work.'

Doctor Who, Vampire Science by Jonathan Blum and Kate Orman.

I tag vfm_dorlain, drsullivan, girl_from_unit, dragons_honor and adam_jason

Tomorrow is under control. I've talked to Liam and Ian and we'll keep Adam busy for as long as you need us to. Path me when you've got the party set up and we'll bring him home.

I figure with the music shops a fair distance apart and it very important to look over all the guitars available to make the right choice for his nephew, it's going to take a while to get the information Emily wants.

I had an interesting encounter with Jack Harkness earlier this week. Yes, Harkness not Smith although Tro assures me he was going to tell me at some point, not spring it on me in front of the man himself.

The last time we met a few weeks ago for the six monthly checkout the interview finished rather abruptly with Jack not believing I was not trying to read his mind and his leaving. I know he was upset and I do not know why. His reaction at this meeting when he discovered I am empathic makes me wonder if he has had a history of others with our abilities. What I picked up from him was a strong mixture of anger, indignation and pain.

The other information that slipped out during our conversation was...I'm still trying to get my head around it. I suspected he was a time traveller as we are. He did not 'feel' right - empathic signatures are unique and that uniqueness factors in a lot of variables.

What I didn't expect was for him to have spent time in our time, in the future, or rather a few years after we left. Or that he'd spent that living with my sister, Iria, and to the extent of fathering one of her two children!!! I know Iria. Even if she did need to become pregnant to prove that her research worked, that it was now safe to have children naturally in space, she would not have slept with someone she did not have feelings for. Jack also *shakes head* ... I felt enough to know there was something there.

I'm feeling...I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Numb? Shocked? Upset? Probably all of those. It's brought home too, a lot of the issues that I've been trying to ignore for the most part since I came back here. I have so much unfinished business with my family, things that are never going to be resolved. Things I need to say and never will be able to. My father is dead. My sister has two children I will never see. I will never see her again. Hell, she doesn't even know that I am okay, that I am happy and in love with two wonderful men who love me in return.

I shouldn't be dwellling on these regrets but I can't help it. Father, I'm living my own life now. I know you wouldn't approve but part of me still wishes you would.

I'm sorry, but I have to live my life for me, be myself and be the best I can for Tro and Kev. Even if often I'm not sure I am entirely what or who they need, especially lately.

I will be out this Saturday when Kev is home. I have study to do for my last exam on Monday and have decided rather than study at home I will go out and find a quiet spot elsewhere. I will be home for dinner.

The main reason I've decided to do this is so that you two have time together. I know we've been having problems all together and I have been feeling for a while that I have been running a certain amount of buffer between you and am concerned it is preventing you from talking through and dealing with some issues.

You also need to get to know each other better and how you work as a couple. I can't keep doing this, not just because of that but because I need to look after myself or I will not have any energy left to give you. The other night showed me that very clearly.

I'm sorry. I love you both.

Are you okay to meet for lunch this week? Whenever and wherever suits should be fine as I've finished classes and I need to take study breaks.

If you could let me know, then I can let Tro know as we were going to meet for coffee at some point as well.

Sorry I haven't been in touch sooner. It's been very busy trying to sort everything out for next semester with changing degrees.

(follows on from this post: http://emerald-profile.livejournal.com/16088.html?mode=reply )

*gets home from running messages at uni, balancing a pile of books* *dumps them on the table, nearly knocking over the half empty cup of cold coffee*

*notices a piece of paper and a pen* *picks it up to read, wondering why Tro didn't just path me if he wanted something*

*smiles*

[I love you too, Tro.] *holds the note in my hand, reaching for you through the bond* [If you want to leave me notes, I'd like that. A lot.]

Kev asked me to post this for him:


Cat said that he would post this for me so I could say hello and let everyone know that I am doing well.

I am enjoying my work and learning a lot of new things. I miss Cat and Trowa and it is strange to be away from home without them and Bailey. My mentor is named Elly and she has been very good to me. She's teaching me to know the difference between where I can help change occur and where I cannot. It is not always easy, but she is very patient. I do know after working with the patients that I want to work with kids. It is not easy to tell someone who is old enough to be your mum that it is time to go to bed.

Every day I am grateful for Aunt Ruth and my friends. I know that I am very lucky when I hear the histories or read charts. I know that I have problems and I do not always deal with people or things in ways that are healthy, but I am a staff member and not a patient because of them. Elly told me yesterday that everyone walks that line and sometimes we are on one side more than the other. The most important thing is to know yourself and when to ask for help. Cat and Trowa have been telling me since we bonded that I do not always have to be strong and that it okay to need other people to lean on. If I want my patients to do that, to come to me for help, then I need to believe that is okay and the right thing to do. I need to live what I believe and preach.

Congradulations on your job Megan. I hope that you continue to enjoy it. Char, I was pleased to hear that the wedding went well. I was thinking of you on the day. I think of all of you every day and keep you in my prayers and my heart. Thank you for the gift of friendship you have given in the past and offer for the future.

Tro and I will not be around much for the rest of this week. He is feeling a lot better since Adam changed his medication but is still very tired. We both are.

As my lectures finish at lunchtime we are going to spend the rest of our days this week - and probably the weekend depending on what Kev would like to do once he gets home on Friday - on the island sitting in the sun.

We will be around when we can.

I'm sorry, Megabyte, that I've had to cancel lunch so often of late, maybe we can try for next week if Tro has fully recovered. I'd like to spend time with him until he has.

I'm worried about Trowa. The medication Harry prescribed doesn't seem to be helping, in fact I'm wondering if he is having a reaction to it as he seems no better and hasn't kept any food down since Saturday. When he's not vomiting he feels nauseous.

I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while but I haven't been feeling well. Harry prescribed some medicine which has helped immensely although I am still coughing.

This is called the stupid things meme

( answers )

Megabyte,

I'm going to have to cancel our weekly lunch today, sorry. I'm feeling a lot better since Adam healed me but I now have this assignment to catch up on as the extension was only until the end of this week. Maybe next week for lunch?

It's probably for the best anyway as I'm not in a great frame of mind to be around today anyway.


Tro,

I'm going to the library after lectures today to work on this assignment. If you want to come there directly when you're finished work, maybe we could have dinner out tonight? Or at least get some pizza on the way home.

I love you.

Would it be possible to arrange a medical certificate? I have a very heavy cold which I can't seem to get rid of and an assignment due which I can't focus on.

Tro suggested I should probably have a check up as well in case it's not viral, and I'm rather cautious about going to a doctor at the university for obvious reasons.

If one of you could, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.